I’ve been in a seemingly perpetual low for quite awhile now. It’s only recently that I’ve come to terms with what’s causing it, and working to set things right. I can only hope that things will go as planned.
But, for awhile now, I’ve been looking for a boost, some inspiration from somewhere. I’ve been running on empty for so long and I’m in desperate need of some serious refuelling. I’ve just been stumbling across the finish line for so long, a more permanent solution has to be found.
And it’s with that in mind that I chose to watch Singapore Dreaming tonight. And what a choice it’s turned out to be. I watched it to get some inspiration, and inspire me it did, in a way that I didn’t quite expect.
Rather than giving me a boost, some hairdryer treatment that’s revved me up to go back on the field and turn things around, it’s given me a reminder. It was a reminder of...the life that I’ve been working so hard to avoid, the life that I desperately do not want to fall into. It’s brought back to the surface the things that have been out of sight and out of mind, consciously. In a way, it’s served as a timely reminder that my life is not quite set, I’m not successful yet.
It’s just so easy to fall into that trap, to be lulled into the sense of false security. What more, the starting pay for new lawyers in Singapore has recently been raised to about $5000 per month. There’s always that lingering fear that things might not turn out for the best, but it’s constantly overwhelmed by the hope that things will be ok, and yet.
As my days go by, people do ask me why I want what I want. And, to be completely honest, I’ve never really told anyone the real reason why. Sure, I want the big houses, the flashy cars, the expensive clothes, the life of luxury. But in reality, the driving force is much less sophisticated. It’s raw, unrefined, and a little bit....darker? I’m driven by the simple fear of failure. I know that my dad has picked up on it, that’s what worries him and my mum. But at the end of the day...
While I can certainly empathize with the characters in the movie, I can’t quite say that I can relate to them. Thankfully, a law and finance degree is worth more than an IT degree (no offence, sorry IT folks) and certainly worth more than a career in the army and being an insurance salesman (I seriously am not out to diss these professions). And I genuinely believe that I will have some measure of success, quite likely the condo + European car combination.
But the funny thing is, if I do succeed, so what? What’s the difference? Will the fulfilment of all these material desires really make me a happier person? Is that what life is all about, buying car after car, house after house, each successive one bigger and better than the first? Why should that make me any happier? I mean, after awhile, a Porsche will be a Porsche, a Ferrari will be a Ferrari, and a BMW, well, I loved mine when I had it, but at the end of the day, I’m no worse off without it.
Having lived outside of Asia for awhile now, it really is an Asian thing, this obsession with material possessions. We really do focus so much on the material possessions that we just lose sight of what life is really about, or do we? Sometimes, in all honesty, the pursuit of material possessions is simply the easy way out of the hard things in life. I’m trying to win the love of my life back, and in the mean time, to fill the void, I’ve thrown myself completely into my work. I bet if I’d already started my career, I’d have put in ungodly hours trying hard to fit a square peg into a round hole. Funnily enough, recognition of the impossibility of my quest does not deter me from trying.
I guess, this movie has reminded me of what I’m working so hard for. It’s not the fancy cars and the big houses. It’s the chase for that elusive dream, the pursuit of happiness. And I know that even if I do make millions of dollars every month, life will not be perfect. Life will never be perfect. But I must try.
posted by Timothy at 4/05/2010 12:46:00 AM
