Strange how God works eh? When i decided enough was enough in April, and left, things went quiet after the dust settled. Then, God came lloking for me to get back. I think the first move was a trip back during the parade of ministeries, followed by a short visit to a cell group meeting. Nope, nothing special, and nothing to make me want to stay then, so no decision made on that. Then after a lull period of a few months, i think, David asks me about going back to church. In the end, i visit his and feel that yeah, i might be better off back in. End result? No go. Then, if memory serves me well, the next call to go back comes with the visit back on CHC carnival day. Strange enough, the meassage was for going back, but by then, i had grown so numb and so dead, it was truly frightening. I told Ruth there and then that my mind was made up. I won't be going back, at the very least not in the near future. She accepted that, but i don't think God did. No way. He sent another meassage/ messenger.

Fast forward to thrusday. Here i am, doing guard duty with this newly promoted spec from 3Sig who's a year younger than me. Turns out he studied in and will study in Australia when he ORDs. But thats not the point. Point is, he's a very fervent believer. And he tried as much as possible to get me to rethink my decision. And set some things straight. I always say that my career choice will bring me back, because it proves that God exist. But i already know that don't i? The only thing left for me to do is to make that decision to go back.

The other person on my detail, namely David, also did the same thing. Plus he made some observations about me, which i will not disagree. He said one thing that makes it so difficult for me to go back is pride. I've truck loads. Besides that, or rather because of that, i love to win. Or rather i simply cannot stand losing. And that, in turn has also made me headstrong. How does this add up? i want my life to be MY life, not what God wants for me, but what I want for me. I already see my dreams and am working hard towards it, and if, maybe just if God says no, i'll be crushed. Simply put, there is only goning to be one way, my way. Not very good, but my arguement is that if anyone is to decide how i live, as much as possible that person is going to be. Leaving control of that to someone else is an option i've cut out. What this spells is simply BAD. For my relationship with God that is. When i set out to really want to accomplish something, i guess i simply go to a win-at-all-costs mode. Now, that is being applied to my dream to be a doctor, and the realisation of it. And win at all costs means to cut out as many obstacles as possible. But i guess that needs some rethinking now. Heck, life is so damn complicated i still don't know what to do. I simply don't understand why i can't see my dream of being a doctor side by side with my walk with God. I don't know why i always make myself choose one. Why,why,why? The only person who knows the answer is the one i'm avoiding at the moment. Lord, Lord, why? And, now what?