Some kind of restlessness has set in on me. And i don't know what exactly it is. Just kind of feel like i wanna go shopping...on some real shopping spree of sorts. I don't know. Maybe it's frustration creeping in. At what? I have no idea. But i do feel it...and it's nagging at me. Feel mostly like crap this days...barely any energy. I guess i have to find a new energy source. A new motivation for living. Funny isn't it. The fuel that i need. Maybe i should try a physical form of release...like running my socks off. Crap. Crap. Crap.

But then again...i've been feeling pretty low all this past year too. The emotional heartbeat is pretty dead...so you can say it's stable...no downs...but no ups either. I've taken depression tests..and it's turned up on the moderate to severe depression side...with suicidal tendencies. Pretty grim isn't it? But i'd rather not think of it. I don't even bother trying to cheer myself up anymore. I guess i'm letting me slip away. If i don't feel, i can't be hurt. Cuz i can't feel hurt. I know what the warning signs are...physcology lists as one of my interests. But i'm not giving a damn. Why? Cuz i don't feel that people give a damn? Or... I guess all i need now is a new spark in my life. I need to find a reason for me...to change who i used to be. A reason for all that i do. A reason to start over new. Lame isn't it. Very much so i guess. I guess for now...i'm living for one of two reasons. To find that reason...and in wait for 2nd September 2005. The day when all the demons can start to be exorcised. When the healing begins. For now...it's all damage limiting and control. And waiting in hope for that special someone to walk right into my life. But for now...i've got to do something...to relieve some stress...

Well then...i think the option of retail therapy seems extremely enticing...i gather that's what i'd do to relieve...the built up stress and tension since God-knows-when. I gotta go find a shopping kaki...let's see who.