I'll be leaving for KL in a few hours time, for a holiday and shopping trip, no less, albeit with mixed feelings. No, unlike Lawrence, i don't feel the excitment of leaving for another country. Probably because this isn't my first choice? Definitely feels that way. Was supposed to go to Australia earlier this year, but because of horrible miscommunication and plain laziness covered by rank pulling, i didn't make the trip. Bitterness probably set in then, and hasn't been uprooted since. Sad? More like numb. Besides, my only sentiment till now for this trip is a sense of relief, not excited anticipation. Relief at being allowed to go for the trip, having been put on a ride the previous time.

I guess the incredible unpredictability of the army is much to blame for my current state of distrust. After all those late last minute changes, all the shit piled on, all the empty promises, all the hopes that came crashing down. Soon, enough became enough. I guess after all this the only natural thing to do was to numb myself, to prevent any pain. Why i'm writing this on the eve of my long awaited holiday, i have no idea. Maybe because i want to pour it all out, to be able to feel again. Maybe it's more in hope of waiting for the special someone to walk into my life and heal all and allow me to feel.

I just wanna feel real love in the home that i live in. Cuz i've got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste. Familiar?