Reflection....
Great...its the start of PM Lee's new 5-day week, and no one is complaining. To celebrate this, and/or the successful completion of Ex-Cub, Sgt Lee decided to lead the section on a sushi binge. Heck, binge it was. 10 ppl, 2 Sgts and 8 pioneers, and we wolfed down a whopping 200 plates of sushi. I don't even know how i managed to stomach all that and keep it down. Based on an average of 2 pieces per plate, thats an astounding 400 pieces of sushi. Yikes!....thats about enough sushi for the next month or so...
Anyway, this past week, the Ex-Cub has proven to be a most unusual time to get me thinking. Sure, it's all the usual engineer crap, but in the lull periods in between, and post exercise, it somehow occurred to me that i'm a changed person, very much so from before enlistment. I realize that i've become bolder, more aggressive, badder, better...but i've also mellowed somewhat after the initial period of outbursts. But now, 1 year into the army and 1 more year to getting out, the future that i want seems so close yet so far. The realities of the decisions i've made pre-enlisment are finally surfacing, and i now really wonder...did i do it all on impulse, rash and dumb?
For one thing, do i really hate this place all that much? Conclusively, the answer is not yet available, but somehow, its leaning towards an unsurprising...no. Admittedly, i'm distancing myself, intentionally uprooting to be replanted where i want to belong. But, do i truly want that? Do i truly want to give up a life that i'm not uncomfortable in, to pursue a life of possible high returns. I wonder, is it worth giving up almost everything here and starting totally brand new there?
Another is, i've always known that the path to being not only a doctor but to be a surgeon is tough, very tough. Huge sacrifices are to be made, and at the end of the day, i may not get the rewards i was looking for. Right now i wonder, can i really take all that shit? Do i truly have the determination, the values, the potential that almost everyone sees in me to become what i want me to be? Its another decade to getting to somewhere near what i want to be, and 10 years no matter how you put it, is a bloody long time. 2 years from now, on this very day, i could be sitting in some room somewhere, realizing my dream, or will i? I mean, do i truly want to be a doctor that bad, or am i losing the passion? The flame still burns, but is it as bright? Most probably yes, as i feel that i'm now being blind-sided by something, but somehow, i feel i need some reassurance, from someone i don't know, and who doesn't know me. Sure, it was great when during the army open house, i went to the mobile OT and felt at home there. Besides, i was probably the only one in there who could point out the differences between that and a normal hospital general OT. Shocked quite a few medics with my knowledge but i somehow want more, much much more. I really don't know why, but i feel at home in a hospital. Bloody scary if you ask me.
I guess waiting for someone to come reassure me is too bloody naive, so, for the record, i'll state for myself why i want to be a doctor, as a reference when i feel things get too tough, and the end is too far. First and foremost, it's to make an impact in the people's lives. To see the worried, anxious looks turn to full, bright smiles, pure unadultered joy at having a second chance in life, and for the relatives, the fab feeling of seeing someone you love back in your arms again. I guess that reason speaks for itself. Next up would be interest. I guess beside this, i couldn't evsion myself doing any other job in the world. Ok, maybe being a succesful stock-broker would rank second, but nothing but this comes first. Third would be the respect and admiration, to be somebody i've always looked up to, to get what i undeniably crave. To get the sense of accomplishment, that sense on achievement amny speak of, but few experience. And finally, come the perks and the cash. Hey, money makes the world go round, but i'm not a sucker for it, it comes with the job. I sincerely hope that money never takes number one priority in my life should i truly end up as a surgeon. I know of too many cases where money ends up killing everyone....good servant, but bad master.
So there you have it, the main reasons why i want to be called Dr. Timothy Tan Hang Kwang M.B.B.S, F.R.C.S, M.Med(Cardiology & Surgery), Consultant, Cardio-Vascular Surgery, Cardiac Trauma Surgery. Long title isn't it? Long way to get there too.
Anyway, this past week, the Ex-Cub has proven to be a most unusual time to get me thinking. Sure, it's all the usual engineer crap, but in the lull periods in between, and post exercise, it somehow occurred to me that i'm a changed person, very much so from before enlistment. I realize that i've become bolder, more aggressive, badder, better...but i've also mellowed somewhat after the initial period of outbursts. But now, 1 year into the army and 1 more year to getting out, the future that i want seems so close yet so far. The realities of the decisions i've made pre-enlisment are finally surfacing, and i now really wonder...did i do it all on impulse, rash and dumb?
For one thing, do i really hate this place all that much? Conclusively, the answer is not yet available, but somehow, its leaning towards an unsurprising...no. Admittedly, i'm distancing myself, intentionally uprooting to be replanted where i want to belong. But, do i truly want that? Do i truly want to give up a life that i'm not uncomfortable in, to pursue a life of possible high returns. I wonder, is it worth giving up almost everything here and starting totally brand new there?
Another is, i've always known that the path to being not only a doctor but to be a surgeon is tough, very tough. Huge sacrifices are to be made, and at the end of the day, i may not get the rewards i was looking for. Right now i wonder, can i really take all that shit? Do i truly have the determination, the values, the potential that almost everyone sees in me to become what i want me to be? Its another decade to getting to somewhere near what i want to be, and 10 years no matter how you put it, is a bloody long time. 2 years from now, on this very day, i could be sitting in some room somewhere, realizing my dream, or will i? I mean, do i truly want to be a doctor that bad, or am i losing the passion? The flame still burns, but is it as bright? Most probably yes, as i feel that i'm now being blind-sided by something, but somehow, i feel i need some reassurance, from someone i don't know, and who doesn't know me. Sure, it was great when during the army open house, i went to the mobile OT and felt at home there. Besides, i was probably the only one in there who could point out the differences between that and a normal hospital general OT. Shocked quite a few medics with my knowledge but i somehow want more, much much more. I really don't know why, but i feel at home in a hospital. Bloody scary if you ask me.
I guess waiting for someone to come reassure me is too bloody naive, so, for the record, i'll state for myself why i want to be a doctor, as a reference when i feel things get too tough, and the end is too far. First and foremost, it's to make an impact in the people's lives. To see the worried, anxious looks turn to full, bright smiles, pure unadultered joy at having a second chance in life, and for the relatives, the fab feeling of seeing someone you love back in your arms again. I guess that reason speaks for itself. Next up would be interest. I guess beside this, i couldn't evsion myself doing any other job in the world. Ok, maybe being a succesful stock-broker would rank second, but nothing but this comes first. Third would be the respect and admiration, to be somebody i've always looked up to, to get what i undeniably crave. To get the sense of accomplishment, that sense on achievement amny speak of, but few experience. And finally, come the perks and the cash. Hey, money makes the world go round, but i'm not a sucker for it, it comes with the job. I sincerely hope that money never takes number one priority in my life should i truly end up as a surgeon. I know of too many cases where money ends up killing everyone....good servant, but bad master.
So there you have it, the main reasons why i want to be called Dr. Timothy Tan Hang Kwang M.B.B.S, F.R.C.S, M.Med(Cardiology & Surgery), Consultant, Cardio-Vascular Surgery, Cardiac Trauma Surgery. Long title isn't it? Long way to get there too.
posted by Timothy at 9/10/2004 11:32:00 PM
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