Impressions...

There are times in life where you will have to sit down and work out where you stand. Oxymoronic isn't it? But thats the way life is...it will pass you by if you move to quickly. And right now i've been thinking...am i moving too quickly? Perhaps these days with the technological advances and all, things really do move fast...but what about me? Am i in the flow or...just at the side? I claim to know exactly what i want...but do i? Dangerous thoughts to entertain but they seek and will be given due attention nonetheless.

For one thing, the very reason why i am in the army now is because i want to be a doctor...so i have planned my best route and am on the ride there. But is it getting too far? A visit to the hospital(for a vaccination, no less) today actually sort of re-enforced my decision. Sure, i do want to be a surgeon, the best there is if possible, but... Whatever happened to all the fun along the way? Whatever has happened to all the things you're supposed to do in your youth? I'm beginning to wonder if i'm being robbed of that...

Being in the army for almost a year now has definitely changed my perspective on many things...for one, dealing with explosives has given me first hand the realness of how fragile life can be. That in turn has made me go for things that i've never thought of doing before but it has also opened my eyes to whole new things. Like...what have i been doing with my life...where's the girlfriend thats supposed to be here now, the money thats supposed to be in the bank, the fun thats to be had, clubs and parties that should have been attended, places that should have been visited. Where's all that gone to? I kind of realised that i haven't really spent my youth doing what i wanted to...because i never really knew what i wanted... Life always seemed so long, unlimited even at times, sometimes you felt that you had forever...but forever isn't there anymore, and what was once long has how shrunk considerably. Working out what i want and working towards that has definitely been given new emphasis now... Stocks, shares, trust funds, bonds and futures have all been bathed in a different light, they all seem so near now, not some distant uncomprehensible for when i'm thirty. And with age and money comes a new found freedom to travel...to go where i've never been... But most of all, now more than ever, the desire to be attached has grown stronger and stronger...the reason for it is unknown and so is the girl to whom i'll spend at least some part of my life with.

There surely has to be a reason for me to feel this way but i simply can't find it. On one hand i'd like to be this swinging rich bachelor living in this beautiful apartment in the city, the fine life, and on the other i'd like to be happily together with my significant other, spending hours with each other doing nothing but enjoying each other's company. Maybe if the right girl just comes along...or has she? Its all a clash really, a well-defined clash, exquisite...or am i simply moving to fast to savour all life has to offer?

I look all through and find that i'm currently...nowhere really...


I love to think sbout chance - about how one overheard word, one pebble in a shoe, can change the universe.
- Anne Tyler